I’ve been mulling this one over a lot.
And it’s a big one. The subject of this post is not only eye-catching, it’s exactly what the world would benefit from on many levels.
Before I tell you why, I’d actually be interested to know your initial response to the title of this article – that initial feeling you had, because I think it speaks volumes to our societal programming, and it’s something that is going to come up below.
For years now I’ve been preaching the benefits of touch and developing our touch vocabulary (whether we practice massage or not). And this discussion is only becoming more and more relevant as each day passes. In particular it’s becoming increasingly relevant for men, as we see case after case of sexual assault.
Touch is an intimate thing. Regardless of the intent behind physical contact, it’s intimate. I’ve previously written an article about this called “Massage & Intimacy“, where the first point addressed is that most of us (men, in particular) don’t know what intimacy actually is (reference). Most often it’s equated to sexuality, and that’s a mistake that misses an entire spectrum of what intimacy can be.
You could liken it to saying that a car is a car is a car – which entirely misses that there are some 50 car brands available worldwide and then thousands of makes and models within those brands. And whilst you might be thinking “yes, but it’s still a car” (much as I think that way too), that answer would be coming from either a lack of interest, a lack of study/education in this area, or both.
So touch is intimate. Period. And more importantly there is a huge spectrum of intimacy that has nothing to do with sex.
And yet, when reading the heading, that’s probably at least a small portion of where your mind went. Right? I was actually going to make the title something else more “universally palatable” and then I realized that this exact urge proved the need to leave it, and challenge our collective programming around the idea of two men touching one another.
If more men were to be making regular physical contact, they would soon learn that there is a full spectrum of closeness and intimacy that has nothing to do with sex. That learning would be profound. And the effects of it would ripple outwards to EVERYONE in that man’s sphere.
The effects of men getting more familiar with touch would include:
- A realization that physical contact is not an invitation for anything sexual.
The knowledge that touch can be used to express many, many emotions and it can be trained like any other language. - First-hand experience that teaches the unique power of touch, which highlights the necessity of consent.
- A deeper understanding of the appropriate ways to connect with other people around us.
- The ability to develop healthier bonds and relationships with all people (including at work), creating healthier, happier and more communicative environments.
But, why are we just talking about men? It’s true that all people could use this education and training. It’s also true that out of all the instances of inappropriate touch, it’s mostly men delivering that contact (reference). Another truth is that young boys are often taught that it’s “gross” to touch other men, and therefore we grow up with a significantly underdeveloped touch vocabulary, stunted by social shaming practices (lead by these kinds of rules). This is also why women tend to have a more refined ability to sense when and why an instance of physical contact is uncomfortable.
Touch is something that we are so deeply hardwired for that we cannot live without it (the only sense that we can’t live without, actually) (read this for more on that). It is also the language through which we develop compassion and bonds with one another (reference).
In other words, we have a deep biological need for physical contact that is amplified by the lack of touch we get as men from other men. It also means then that our capacity for compassion doesn’t grow, and those two things combined often result in inappropriate touch, or worse.
When we have compassion for and bonds with one another, it is far more difficult to hurt someone. And this effect expands beyond the relationship with that one person.
The world needs more connection and more compassion. We need more safety, understanding and we need a more refined ability to communicate on all levels about all things.
And we could get all of this. If men touched more men.
I hope this sparks a few thoughts and maybe even fuels you to share this message with the men in your life.
If this sparks your interest, so too might this post “The Power of Touch for Mothers of Premature Babies: A Personal Account“.
A mind opening read. As a female and a practicing RMT my level of touch is very aware of not only touch but of the energy given off individuals even from a distance. As a female yes we are taught hugging/touch/kissing are appropriate signs of affection and intimacy without it holding sexual content behind our touch between females & open men. Yet having an open male approach you is so uncommon unless a strong bond of trust is formed first. Males in our society are taught to withhold physical contact towards females unless in an intimate way. Making females initially fear a man who approaches her in such an open way. For it is only a sexual way a man may approach us. For a male to male to have such contact with another male there is a stigma placed on them. Along with again have begin taught touching is a form of sexual content and touching another man is a sexual approach. Our males are washed to think touching is only meant for a selection of women like their mother, wife, children and not their male family members or friends. And that a man should not touch a woman unless a trusted relationship is in place with an open woman. I have a large ratio of men to women clients with some days only treating men. Out of these men I have only twice, twice too many but twice have been approached by a male client for more then a touch as an RMT. Though it was not appropriate I understand that touch in an intimate way with men who are not open to being touched in only a sexual way where their confusion is altered in their brains to feel if I am massage their gluteus Maximus I should also be doing more. Sticky sticky subject but MIND opening on how we shut our males down and train them to be a certain way not only with male on male touch but also between male & female.
I can certainly relate to this article and it is a great topic of discussion as a male yoga teacher and in my growing practice in Thai Yoga Therapy. In the region I live is rather rural and the culture is way behind the times. Toxic masculinity abounds in our culture unfortunately, and we are living in a paradigm that embraces ignorance and destructive behaviour towards gender equality, sexual orientation, conduct, etc. in which we see this taking place everywhere and is rather disheartening. In my experience so far as a male instructor and practitioner, I have definitely encountered awkward tensions sometimes from both male and female students/clients for the singular fact that I am a male, I teach yoga and practice therapeutic touch. There are still lots of people (especially in rural areas) think that it is odd for a man to be doing this instead of pulling wrenches like I used to do..lol What I have learned: the importance of self-acceptance, self care, developing the skill of touch and communication that comes from a place compassion, authentic intention to heal, and keeping my ego and thoughts separate from my actions and reactions.
I think about the above topic quite often for a couple reasons.
1. I am a man that likes to touch/hug a lot and receive the same. However, I am also very careful never to touch or hug anyone without permission. Even then I always “check” my energy so as to not give off any vibe that could be misinterpreted .
2. I am saddened by how many people I come across that REALLY NEED human touch/hug, that aren’t getting it on on regular basis. I wish our culture was more open to touch. We would be a much happier and healthier society. Thai yoga therapy provides a laundry list of benefits but one the most powerful and important is simply human touch.