Image Source: konbini.com.
This is a difficult topic to navigate because so many people have been affected by inappropriate touch. I want to make it clear that in no way does this article condone or support the act. I do try to cast some light on the issues and potential causes that underlie this occurrence.
The Problem/s:
Believe it or not the act of inappropriate touch is not the problem. The actual problem is the underlying reasons why touch is sought and why it is sought without communication or consent.
Part of the mistake that we as a culture make far too often is to ban the apparent result of problems, instead of educate. In this case, Touch deprivation is both the result and part of the cyclical problem.
What I mean by that is that due to the chance or possibility of inappropriate touch we commonly ban physical contact (seen in many schools, workplaces and generally where people gather).
This is a terrible mistake, because by perpetuating a rule of non-contact, we feed part of the problem to begin with. Touch deprivation produces a lack of empathy and a lack of touch vocabulary. Both of which are part of the reason why the touch is inappropriate in the first place – we don’t know how to express empathy skillfully.
Without adequate exposure to empathetic touch or without touch being commonly used as an expressive and detailed dialogue, we cannot automatically acquire these skills. It would be akin to asking someone who only speaks English to start conversing in any other language without even having heard or seen it before (let alone been educated in it formally).
And the thing is, we are all part of a touch deprived culture.
That’s one part of the problem. Touch deprivation leads to touch deprivation in a cycle that creates a poor touch vocabulary. The reason the avoidance of touch doesn’t work as an approach to reducing inappropriate touch scenarios is because we are hard-wired for touch. Touch is part of our deepest biology and it is not something we can actually live without.
Our tactile sense is the first of our five senses to develop as we’re a growing foetus. It also happens to be the only one we cannot live without.
To attempt to deny such a fundamental part of our biology is an ill-conceived idea that only has the potential to create outbursts of touch that are made in an effort to satisfy the deepest need for human contact, yet without the touch vocabulary (and the word vocabulary) to execute it skillfully.
So what’s the Solution?
Touch education.
We need to teach people about verbal consent, the use of touch to accent other forms of communication, the use of touch as its own communication tool, the skillful application of touch.
How do we do that? Start here, start today.
If you have an aversion to touch or are uncertain about this idea, begin here with: “I Don’t Like To Be Touched – What Can I Do?“.
When you’re ready for more, read this: “Developing Fluency in the Language of Touch” for three top tips to developing greater touch vocabulary.
As a former trauma therapist and current bodyworker and sex educator, I was immediately both drawn in and repelled by the title of this post – Drew, I think you are so right that the topic of inappropriate touch evokes a ”triggered” or otherwise dissociative response in many people precisely because contemporary, colonial Western culture does not know how to touch. We live in a heavily atomized, fear-based society, where touch is largely stigmatized except in a few very narrow, restricted cultural scenarios (ie mothers holding their children, conventionally attractive heterosexual romantic partners in movies, etc).
After reading this great post, I am reflecting on how certain bodies in particular are stigmatized around touch: public touch between homosexual/queer partners, for example, is still seen as “inappropriate” even when the same kind of touch is seen as totally normal between straight people. Disabled individuals, people labelled as “fat,” elders, and people living with chronic illnesses such as HIV are also heavily stigmatized around touch. This can even be a racial issue – as I write this, the world is currently dealing with the spread of the covid-19 virus, and East Asian people (like myself) are currently experiencing a resurgence of the over-association between Asian bodies/touch and communicable disease, resulting in increased anti-Asian racism.
Meanwhile, our society also instills a sense of entitlement to touch in other individuals – I am thinking here about how young men are taught to pursue the touch of young women as a sign of “achievement” or “masculinity.” But they are not taught to show (even platonic) physical affection with one another, or how to ask for and discuss touch in a compassionate, consensual way.
All this brews a perfect storm for conflict and uncomfortable or inappropriate touch, because people will pursue their physical and psychological need for touch even without any tools or education in doing so.
As bodyworkers, we have the unique opportunity (and in some ways, the calling) to both provide touch to people who otherwise might rarely or never get it, and to provide education (either explicitly or through role modelling) in consent, boundaries, and healthy communication. I believe that Thai yoga massage in particular is really valuable in this regard, because of the focus we have on loving-kindness, which extends beyond the more clinical types of touch that people usually experience in medicalized settings.
Kai Cheng, thank you so very much for your thoughtful message and powerful input into the conversation. I hope everyone who lands on this article continues down to see your comment here. Thank you.